Beauty blossoms from the Ashes.

We are entering into America’s most ugly hours.  The months after the party conventions and before the national election.  The time when the candidates take off their smiling faces and begin to battle each other and attempt to wear the other one down through smears and negative commercials and personal attacks.

Will this year be any different?

Probably not.

The country really is divided.  It’s sad.  It’s not one parties fault but both Republicans and Democrats (not sure you can blame independents, green party, and others since they don’t get much play anyway).  Both parties talk about the other as if they were the axis of evil. Both parties use the opposites party name and attributes (”liberals” and “conservatives”) as if they were four letter words.  Both parties use stereotypes occasionally when talking about the other party.  It’s really sad.

Emotion seems to reign on high above intelligence and respect.  People have a hard time listening when their heart is beating through their chest and their tongue is on fire with passion.  I know this personally, I’m not saying I’m above it - but I’ll acknowledge that when I’m riled up I’m not doing very good at listening or trying to keep an open mind about a differing view.  Muscles tighten, you begin thinking of your rebuttle before the other person has even finished their statement, you start throwing out stereotypes and cliches, and you lose sight of what really matters (change, creating a better world, getting things done by working together) and you only begin to care about winning.  Making sure you are right.

It’s a bitter game us American’s play during these dark days of fall every 4 years.

The Republicans are like a bunch of fraternity boys hooping and hollering for their “babe” who is making fun of the other team.  It reminds me of my dad making fun of all the teams who would beat USC, because he was for USC and they were better.  It’s not really anything substantial except people feeling like they need to rag on the other team because they are winning.  It’s pathetic.  Watching bits of Sarah Palin’s speech, it was tough to watch.  As someone who tries to teach teenagers how to act civily and not make fun of each other and buy into stereotypes and use them to make fun of their enemies or their rivals, it is very disappointing to see this women get up and rile up a crowd and drop comments like those uttered by the teenager girls in Mean Girls (the movie) and have the crowd laugh and sneer and clap and boo and… oh it was just sad.

If McCain’s strategy to win this election is to make it into a popularity contest and see who can stir up enough emotion and who can drop the best verbal punch… then they must think that the country is a bunch of brainless sportsmen who only care about our team winning.  What’s even sadder than that thought - is that if they win, it just goes to show where we stand in America.  Getting excited by someone bashing on someone else, getting excited when we defend our mountain, our hill, our party, our people.  It’s sad if we’ve bought into only emotion, and lost touch of substance.  We will be digging ourselves into a deep hole if we stick with what seems to be like country club politics who think that only the RIGHT are IN, and the LEFT are OUT.  We both are in, both red and blue.  We both need each other.  Liberal is not a bad word.  Stop the hate.

So while I was a youth pastor, I felt it it become harder and harder to be prophetic.  To speak out honestly against the status quo and against the people I inwardly disagreed with.  I took the path of least resistence, and I am sorry for that.  i wish I stirred things up more.  I guess I just felt it was safer to keep my mouth shut, so I that’s what I did.  I wrote all my honesty down in files on my computer where no one would find them.

So it’s time to start being honest again.  Although I am wiser these days, more concerned now than I was before with trying to not hurt people’s feelings, it’s time to be brutally honest with myself and the thoughts I have on the world around me.  So… here goes, sort of.

Here is a journal entry from October 31st, 2006.  Nearly two years ago.  Things were so different then, yet, somehow as I read this - it reminds me why I am where I am today.  For those who know me best, or think they do - this might be very insightful. Let’s see, this entry comes about 10 months into full-time youth ministry (with junior highers), on the brink of coaching frosh-soph soccer at Agoura High School, and a year before Amalea was born.  Enjoy!

——– 10/31/2006 ———

there must be something beyond all of this
i’m a broken man in need of a good fix
i feel this ship sinking, slowly
as if not felt at all, and always wondering if the water
seems to be rising… or if that’s the way it always has been
i’m feeling rather ashamed
to be given so much, a blessed life
and to have done so little
i still have time, i still have some energy
i can still do something
but what?
some would say i have a noble job, and am affecting kids lives
causing change…
i’m not sure sometimes.
i suppose I believe that the kids lives are different because i am apart of them
but that is true of everyone that they know and come into contact with
so how am i different?
am i?
i could just change my attitude, be ok with my current situation
my current efforts
my current successes…successes?
that’s just not me.  It’s not an attitude… as if I just am negative about life… something is out of line… something has shifted…something’s not right - and it’s not my attitude.
If it is my attitude… it’s because something is causing it to stink…
11:14pm.  late again.
robin is asleep… i want to fall asleep with her, our clocks are three hours off…
oh well.  i’ll sneak in again, in the veil of darkness, and awake to find her gone…
bathroom light on, shower going… then asleep again.
awake.  she says goodbye, i love you, see you later
7…8…9 hours later.
what is she like during the day?  during a weekday?  I’ve forgotten… no.  i haven’t.
I miss lazy days.  i miss the beach.
with her.
and now the next step has ‘kids’ written all over it… lazy days?  goodbye.
i want to be creative… but i feel like ‘creative’ to me is doing something new and cool that people think is new and cool… why can’t i just be creative for the sake of being creative?
am i … jim krill… living for the praise of men?
sick.  i preach against that all the time.
pathetic… i thought i was above that.
hard… i still think i am… not sure why i reside on that side of the tracks… when i picture myself on the other
this stream of conscienceness is getting tired, weary from the long strings of thoughts, fearful of fully uncovering the face behind the mask…
tomorrow: it holds another day.
another morning of clearing my sinuses… trying to breathe again.  just one more breathe.
just one more.  one more.  please?
did i break my self… or was i given a lemon of a body?
i want a respiratory system transplant… do they do that?
how did i come to this place…talking about sinuses?  hmm… oh yes, waking up… tomorrow.
wednesday.  hump day.  middle of the week.  November 1.  New month.. .that’s exciting at least.
i hope there are more clouds… more sunsets.. more rain.
what am i thankful for… that’s what november is all about… right?
hmm… i’m thankful for the hope of a future.  man that took me three minutes to think of.
i start my soda diet tomorrow… i’m going off carbonated beverages for a month.
but… i’m thankful for dr. pepper… dang it.
agoura soccer starts soon… coaching.  what a strange job.
teaching kids to chase after a feeling of victory in an unimportant game which kicks a ball around trying to get it past a guy with gloves into a net… get the most, win, and feel… good?
but we’re teaching them discipline.  respect.  teamwork.
… yeah?  for what… a trophy?  Trophies fall apart, get forgotten… i only have one left.  Not sure why i keep it.
so we take hours…and hours… to teach them about hard work and discipline, to win a worthless game that is only important to maybe 50 people… and then, they get fat, they get old, they get jobs… the sport is gone - where are the lessons learned… translated into real world experiences… and yet, sporting lessons, sporting analogies fall so short from real life experiences and wisdom.  sorry.
people living and dying is way more important than putting a ball in a net.
no matter what pyscho / anger problems coach of the year says.
i can’t spell tonight.
i should go to bed.
overcome.  that is what my background says on my computer… with a broken bar code symbol - i like that.  overcome greed.  overcome consumption.  overcome consumerism.
yeah jim.  overcome it you bastard.
i bought two things today - i buy for work so it doesn’t feel like i am buying for myself… but sometimes, it’s selfish.
damn.  that sounds worse when it actually comes out.
i don’t think i can say that there is anything i have bought, that i can think of, that i haven’t used for ministry though… video stuff, website stuff, books, music stuff… it all get’s used at some point for the kids… for the church.
so… beyond my selfish i suppose god can still use me.
amazing.
people shouldn’t bitch so much about right and wrong, because god seems to find ways to use even the wrong… to create right.
so what profession am i in… bitching?
I feel like it sometimes… my job is to tell people what they are doing wrong, and how they can fix that, to live better, feel better, and have more joy.
hmm… no wonder nobody listens to pastors anymore.
father… i wish this was easier.  why is it so hard?
…. where are the answers when you’ve run out of questions?  I used to have questions… perhaps i still do.
it’s still october.  for twenty eight more minutes.
i wish i could type without backspacing.  i think i did about twenty times in that last sentence.
add three more.
ok this is nonsense now…. goodnight.

Moving like we did is something I hope I never have to do again in my lifetime.  I still feel like it is worth it, but it is like a marathon.

I knew going into it that I would probably have a slow start.  It is hard for me to meet new people, to be in new situations, and to get confident in a new place.  With the addition of Amalea, and most of my days taken up with taking care of her, things have really gotten off to a slow start.  This week seemed to drag as Robin went to work every morning at 8 and returned each day around 3:30.  I tried to not just sit in front of the TV all day, but take Amalea out to parks, on drives to new places, and try and get things done that needed to get done.  Towards the end of the week I felt like I was beginning to get in the groove.  I have to give all those stay at home mom’s some credit, and some grace for how crazy some of them are - I’m beginning to understand.

Last night, Friday night, we had dinner at some new friends house.  Their names are John and Lenette.  John teaches Social Studies at Robin’s school, and they met because he mentioned he was from Santa Cruz (and so is Robin).  We set up this dinner, and went over their timidly, nervous (at least I was) of how it was going to go and if they would like us.  I should tell you it was great!  They are really nice people, and John and I seemed to hit it off right away.  He’s a big nerd like I am, and has this great collection of old NES and SNES (Nintendo) games.  We spent some time rummaging through them and he even let me borrow a couple (Secret of Mana & Castlevania IV for the SNES).  He even had a collection of Anime movies that Robin and I love (Castle in the Sky, Kiki’s Delivery Service, Spirited Away, etc.) We seem to share common interests, and he’s a funny guy with a good sense of humor, and majored in Theology.  I look forward to being able to spend some more time with both John and Lenette and hopefully developing a great new friendship.

Today has been a relaxing, beautiful Saturday.  Robin got up with Amalea and let me sleep until 8, which was amazing.  Then we had to go to Urgent Care this morning because Robin’s wrist has been bothering her.  She’s ok, but it gave me an opportunity to play with Amalea while she was in with the doctor.  After that we came home and Robin took Amalea and I was able to do some work, lie down, watch some tv and just relax a bit.  It has been a great day, and a great week.

I thank God for his providence and his constant love.  Thanks for what you’ve shown me this week God.

Obama’s the real deal.

Obama 08, Portland Oregon

It’s time for change… right?

http://www.pimpmykicks.com/obama-sneakers-nike-af1-kicks/

I’ve always believed that if you step out in faith, God will reward you.  And that word “reward” always made me nervous.  I had a hard time with religious people who were trying to be faithful so they could receive their “reward”.  As if it was like a job where they were wanting their Christmas Bonus so they could get that pool they always wanted.  It just didn’t seem authentic.  It just didn’t seem like real faith.  Sure the bible talks about rewards, but I don’t know, I never really liked the mentality that if I am faithful God will give me riches when I get to heaven.  I think that’s missing the point of what Jesus was saying…

I am constantly learning how to trust God more.  This whole move to Oregon, I guess was about that.  Call it an experiment.  Not that I am trying to test God or anything to see if He really comes through for me, but more of a test for me to actually jump into the void and see if I can actually do it while trusting that everything is going to be ok - and not only ok, but better than it ever has been.

Of course leaving all that was comfortable behind was just the beginning of trusting.  Now that we are here, I feel like the next part of this journey is to really work hard to establish some friendships, some relationships, and get involved in the community and with organizations that are doing some amazing things.  If we just move and then sit here and do nothing, what has changed?

And this is where I am… trying to not just be lazy and sit around all day.  Even though I am taking care of Amalea most days, and that is work (and holy work in my opinion) I can still get lazy and just want to stay home and not meet new people or get involved.  I am trying to trust that if I get out of my comfort zone, enter into new experiences and meet new people, God will reward me.  It is messy sometimes and very hard.  Sometimes I go down the wrong street (litterally and metaphorically) and get lost, but I’m still learning things at the same time.

Greetings form P-Town!  We made it!

After an exhausting drive in a u-haul and the Eurovan, we made it to Portland and unloaded into our new condo.  We have an incredible view from our rear windows (basically a forest) and we’ve already met our neighbors who seem really nice.  We’re excited about getting into a routine and getting some sleep so we can explore Portland more.

If anyone ever wants to come stay with us, we have an extra room with a bed, and we’de love to have you!

More to come!

Our house is full of boxes and the holes in the walls have been painted over.  It is reminding me of the first time Robin and I walked into this house to look at it when we were thinking of buying.  I could never have known then how this house would transform into our home and welcome our first child as well as so many other great memories.

Now there are just a few more days in this house.  I have loved this house.  It is so peaceful.  It has high ceilings and although it is a small house, it feels big.  The back yard has a giant Ash tree that gives shade at just the right time of day to cool off the entire house.  A swing I finagled together swings awkwardly from the tree.  A stone patio/fire-pit sits in one of the corners of the yard, a place where we had many great late-night discussions and smor’s.  On the side of the house is where our barbecue sits, and it reminds me of all the dinners we’ve had with so many amazing people over the last two years.  Our T.V. that remains black these days, reminds me of all the great get togethers we had where we played the Wii with our friends and laughed till our sides hurt.  The tiny kitchen where Robin and I burnt many meals, only to have them be cold by the time we got them to the table.  The light fixture above the kitchen table, which is this sort of stained glass thing which I absolutely love because it reminds me of an old church.  I will take this light when we sell the place… for sure.

The house has treated us so well for so long.  It has been safe, relaxing, forgiving, comforting, and very welcoming.  It will be missed.

But as I have said many times, we are ready to leave.  Just a bit more packing, some cleaning, and we’re out of here on Tuesday, the 12th.  Now that it is so close, the giddiness of leaving is slowly fading, replaced by the reality of departure and the shock of leaving friends.  We have a going away part on Sunday, and I know it’s going to be one of the best and hardest parties we’ve ever had.

Portland… here we come.  Please welcome us with open arms, give us that much.

I was going to write… but then I got messing with my blog, adding the Currently Reading part to the sidebar… now it’s 12:19am.  I’m tired.  The hours just keep ticking away…

I have only 7 days left here in Southern California.

It’s strange.  I have never lived anywhere except here.  Sure, I have travelled extensively: Ecuador, Chile, Peru, Mexico, Kenya, Italy, and to many of the states in the US - but I have never LIVED anywhere but here.  I went to college at Azusa Pacific University which is right here in SoCal.  So… it’s quite strange to think that I will be living in a new state in just over 7 days.

I’m not sure how I feel about it all.  Of course, I am excited.  Of course, I am nervous.  But I feel like there are all these subconscious feelings that seem to seep to the surface once in awhile, in dreams, in flash backs and memories, and in whispers.  Feelings of nastalgia, as well as feelings of hurt and pain.  I have so much invested in this place… so many memories of experiences from my childhood, teen years, and early adulthood and married life.

I am very ready to leave though.  I am sick of the dry heat which seems to suck the life out of you.  Sick of how people avoid it by staying in doors all day, or in their pools.  I am sick of the same old streets.  Some would be comforted by what is familar, I find it very boring.  Nothing left to explore, nothing left to discover.  I am so excited about new streets; about getting lost and finding new routes and paths home.  I am excited about discovering new social scenes without the weight of past experiences and teenager social peer pressure weighing over certains venues, areas, and places.  Not sure if that makes sense, but it’s hard to explore new places here because EVERYTHING is scented with some fragrance from the past - whether good or bad - everywhere seems to hold opinions of past friends.

It’s time.  It is exhilerating.  I can hardly describe the freedom I feel.  A new life is ahead of us and Robin and I just smile as we walk along thinking about it.

I will have time to post more, time to reflect, time to share this experience with anyone who wants to know what it is like to start over.  To jump out of the moving train that is our lives and begin to trailblaze a new path.

Let’s see if I can post some pics!  Here are some pictures from the day of the festival: INTI RAYMI.

Cusco!

INTI RAYMI - The festival of the sun

The hike into heaven…the day of the revolution!

A billion people… seriously.

The fearless leader…

Peruvian Revolution!   Charge the hill!

Gringo’s joining the revolt!

Locals…

Check out Amalea’s blog for a great video of her and I laughing together.

It is so great being home again.  The trip to Peru was AMAZING, but it was hard to be away from Amalea and Robin. 

The trip to Peru was exactly what I needed, I think.  It’s crazy how God has these things orchestrated.  I think being with the kids from the youth group one last time, was exactly what I needed before I move to Oregon.  Some really nice things were said, and some everlasting memories were made.  Machu Picchu was incredible, and I hope to post some pictures on here soon.  Everyone should go before they die, it is like nothing else on earth.

… then again, there is nothing quite like home.

Here for ten days with the high schoolers. It’s been great the first few days…

Here are a few pictures.