Looking down at my wedding ring, it dawns on me how much I do not think of it.  It has metaphorically become a part of me.  I never take it off for longer than a few seconds, and most days I do not even stop to think about it or recognize that it is there.  It has become an appendage, a limb, an organ, a beating heart or a pumping lung.  It means so much, and yet, I spend such little time thinking about it.  And that gets me thinking…

Most neglected things like that in life, we end up feeling very guilty about.

God: People who claim to love or follow a God, at various times in their lives, feel guilty that they do not spend enough time thinking about their God.  As a Christian, I know this stems from the narrative that God laid down his life for us, and we barely think of him.  So many people try very hard to spend time with this God they want to love but feel like they fall so short.

Marriage: I have been married for over 5 years now.  Marriage is so strange.  My friend Marty used to comment on how strange marriage was… he (who has been married over 10 years) said something like, “Think about it.  Who else will you ever spend THAT much time with?  You see them EVERY day, for hours each day.  You see them at their worst and they see you at yours.  You live in the same house, share the same bed, toilet, shower, and eat countless meals together.  You know this person better than you might even know yourself.”

And as time drifts on, this person that you fell in love with, that you married, that you’ve had kids with: they are there.  They will (potentially) always be there.  They have become a part of you.  And we begin to neglect each other, because we are always there… and occasionally we feel bad because we have stopped thinking about the other on a regular basis… but do you stop to think about your heart beating?  Do you stop to take a breath.

Occasionally… and I think there is something in that.

If my wedding ring were ever to get lost – I would feel different.  Incomplete.  I would notice EVERY day that the thing that was a part of me was missing.  I would keep looking down at my hand and just feel like something was wrong.

When I was 22 my lung collapsed, and up until that day I NEVER thought about breathing… but for months after it happened, I counted EVERY breath.

How strange it is that the things that we are closest to, that are the most meaningful in our life because they are constant, and close – we neglect and forget about until they are gone.  I’m not sure, yet, if I should feel bad and guilty about this… or if there isn’t something powerful going on with the fact that time + proximity + consistency = ONENESS.

I’ve felt bad about forgetting about God for long stretches for a while now… yet, in a weird way, like a marriage, my faith with my God is changing into something constant… consistent… steady… and reliable. Like a beating heart that beats without my will – my relationship with my God, and with my wife, have solidified in a way that only God could have designed.  Perhaps this is what he meant when he said “they will become one flesh”.  There is a ripping and a tearing in divorce.  There is cosmic bleeding when we abandon our faith after years of commitment… I think we begin to feel guilty because things are not as exciting as they were in the beginning, and yet there is such beauty in just BEING with something or someone for long stretches of time; a lifetime even.

I don’t know where I’m going with this… but it just dawned on me today, while I was sitting on the toilet, looking at my hand… this ring has been with me for a long time.  My wife has been with me for a long time.  My God has been with me for a long time… and in some strange mystifying way – they have become a part of me.

ANDRE MILLER

52 Points vs. the Dallas Mavs!

• It’s ok to look back at your words and actions and admit you were wrong.  Not just admit it, but learn from it, and change.
• Sometimes you just need to talk, especially when it’s hard.
• My mom always used to quote Proverbs, “A kind word turns away wrath”… so true.  I’m trying to remember this.
• Breaks are needed. No one can go 24/7 without some time to refuel.
• Happy Birthday, Dad. (01/29/1946 – present : 64 years today) You outlived your dad, and I’m glad you’re still around to see my little girls grow up.  Thank you for taking care of yourself (or more like, thank you Mom for taking care of Dad ^_^)
• I am smart, and good at many things, but not as smart and not as good as I sometimes think I am.  And yes, I do need others to help me, it’s just hard to admit it.
• I miss writing/playing music.

Desire is a strange thing
We spend our lives as if behind glass
Hands pressed against it, wide eyed
Our jealous breath blurs the scenes
And nothing’s as it seems

Watching cool kids dance
We stand at a distance dreaming
Listening to singers sing
Our hearts nearly bursting
But our legs are lame, and our lips are locked

Under glass that magnifies
We examine others’ lives
We imagine that they’re perfect
But it’s all filthy lies

When the foggy glass is clear
And it’s plain what we fear
We will dance in the darkness
When no one else is near
We will sing lonely songs
Not caring who sings along
Knowing beneath desire
Burns unquenchable fire
To be the one who is watched
And the one who is heard
But the eyes can not free us
And the ears can not heal us
We must do what we love
For the love of the thing
We must dance ’cause we must
We must sing just to sing!

Thanks to Hannah McMaster for reminding me about this gem!

The year of the Tiger

Why was my first post of 2010 a video from 2006?

Good question.

The answer is coming…

I’m currently staring, bleary-eyed into the lights on the Christmas tree, letting my eyes relax until each light becomes a brilliant, pulsing, star-burst.  It’s late… again.  The last three nights I’ve worked late into the night, trying to finish a web design project.  I’m on a steady diet of Pepsi, coffee and chocolate.  It’s bound to catch up to me any day now… I mean, everyday feels like a battle, and at the end of each day, I am so shell-shocked by all the stress imploding all around me, that all I can do is sit and stare at lights.

We do a lot of staring at lights, don’t we.  Computer screens, ipods, cell-phones, tv’s… it’s like staring into the sun.  We’re all nuts, you know.

I used to preach against busyness when I was a Pastor.  I used to believe that it was possible to slow down.  I would get all up-in-arms about parents who worked too hard and never had time for their kids  And now… I barely have time for my kids.  Frick.

And why?  Am I trying to make my first million?  Come on.  Not even close. I’m just trying to put food on the table.   Do I feel like I need to prove something to my wife, my dad, or myself?  Not really… if I could I would not work – I don’t give a shit about what anyone thinks.  I’d rather spend time with my family. I had a really nice setup before… working at a church… why did I leave?  Why did I choose to enter “crazy” world?  Why am I here?

God?  You there?

It’s a good question… why, that is.  Why did we move?  Why am I doing web design right now?  Why choose to live this way?  Yet, it’s a crappy question because I don’t feel like I chose any of this.  The reason we moved is because I was feeling completely overwhelmed with the feeling like I had to get out of that town.  And I did have to get out of that town.  I didn’t have a choice.  If I stayed there, I would have gone insane, literally.  In fact, half the people in that town are crazy (no not you).  I saw it and I had to get out…

Jeez… I’m rambling again. Sorry. Another boring post with me reflecting on my life right now, trying to make heads and tails as to what the hell is going on.  Let me flip the coin again.

I’m so happy right now.  I am.  A deep-seeded contentment that can not be denied, no matter how grey the day, or how depressed I feel on any given basis.  I am happy.  Things are super hard, I’m tired, my body hurts, like I said – the days feel like battles.  But I wouldn’t have it any other way.  And I know, in the sweat, in the tears, in the kicking and screaming – there is something going on.  Something I can not understand or fully comprehend yet.  But I moved to Oregon on hope and a prayer… knowing that in the darkness, somewhere, there was a new path.  I could be way off right now… but I have hope that Robin and I and the girls are right where we are suppose to be.  We are like infants in the arms of God, not understanding the grasp but being transformed by it.  (Peter Rollins said that).  When I hold Maya, I know she doesn’t understand who I am… why I keep kissing her and hugging her – but it’s changing her.  She’s growing, and when it’s hard and she has to scream because nothing else feels right except TO scream, I hold her, and she is changed in the comfort.

In these crazy times… when the only thing that feels like it makes sense is to scream, I am trying to stare into the lights… to listen to the inaudible movements of my loving God, and hope that we are being transformed in all this.

Christmas… almost forgot it’s about Jesus’ birth.  Mary and Joseph must have felt like this… bewildered.  What the frick is going on?  Mary is pregnant (nobody really knows by who), the government is going nuts, it’s cold, there’s no room in the freakin’ inn, they keep having these freaky dreams about crazy angels and stuff… and then, they have the kid in a stable – in all the shit and everything – they HAVE A KID IN A STABLE… that alone would be enough to break anyone.  And then all these crazy wacked out farm / shepherd people show up and say they are having crack dreams too and want to worship this child as their king, their God.  Seriously?  That’s stressful.  Christmas is a STRESSFUL time… and yet, it is the birth of hope.  It is the birth of peace.  It is the birth of new life… a new way…

I love Christmas, when it’s not being bought and sold.  I love the story…not about Saint Nick or Rudolph, or the elves, or snowmen and gift giving… the story of a man and his soon to be wife, running around, bleary-eyed, staring into lights, battling everyday just to survive, not even knowing what is in store for them.  Even if it is just a story, it’s a damn good story.

Our star is shining on top of the Christmas tree… the star Amalea picked out at Fred Meyers for 8.99.  it’s beautiful.  This life is beautiful… how beautiful is your life?  Seriously.  Stop and stare into the lights… remember something.

Merry Christmas.

BLAZERS: 105    SUNS: 102

Went to the Blazer game tonight with some friends, shot this picture as I was walking back across the river into downtown to my car, after the Blazers came back from 15 down to beat the Suns: RIP CITY BABY!

Such an amazing night.  And this shot tells exactly why I love Portland so much  A great ball game, at the arena, right by the water.  As I walked away from the Arena, people yelling and screaming, I go across a beautiful steel bridge, a train rolling by underneath, Brandon Roy and the gang lighting up the night on the silos by the river, a barge cruising under the bridge as I cross, and the MAX train rumbling across next to me, shaking the bridge and speeding my heart… the city lights glistening up ahead, and the silent river rolling peacefully along.

I love this town.  LOVE IT.