jimkrill

The Last Year

2015.

Looking at the calendar of my life, I don’t think I ever thought anything of 2015. I would be 33.

Maybe it meant something because wasn’t Jesus 33 when he died? Or something… other than that, who cares. 33. You’re half old, half young, mostly in the middle. You’ve gone through your 20’s but you’re not quite “old” yet.

And so this year has passed quietly and I have not had many deep thoughts to post on here. I have not had the energy or the motivation to add photos, poems, thoughts… anything. Maybe I should blame Facebook and Instagram for that (since I post pictures on there). Maybe I’ve come to the realization that this blog is SOLELY for me and no one else, so if I don’t post anything for a year – so be it.

So why am I back?

Because this last year has not been a good year. This last year has been lonely and sad. 33 feels closer to death than ever. And 34 is around the corner. But rather than roll over and die, give into the inevitable and wait for time to eat away at my soul and my body, I need to try and find life again, to hold on until the final hour and be happy.

Happiness. I need to find happiness.

And I think it’s easy to “search” for happiness – you know – out there. In sports. In art. In music. In people. In adventures… and yes, there is happiness there.  But to really enjoy all those things, you have to already be happy. It’s a state of being; and I think it starts internally.

So I need to write more. For me. Publicly. Because, yeah, I hope someone will read this and care and respond and interact and help guide my internal thoughts – because we all have different experiences and I don’t want to be lost in mine.

So that’s it. That’s all for now. Just a quick blah blah blah to get started and to actually have posted something in 2015.

23 days until the end of 2015.

2016 is when I find my voice again. Right? Right.

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Lift a Sail

For RDK,

If a cold wind starts to rise,
I am ready now, I am ready now
With the last sail lifted high,
I am ready now, I am ready now

All the wreckage I left behind,
I burned the earth beneath my weary-weakened feet.
Feel my heart stop and lift my eyes,
I can’t choose when to love or who I am part of

If a cold wind starts to rise,
I am ready now, I am ready now
With the last sail lifted high,
I am ready now, I am ready now

I was so wrong and unaware,
I locked myself away, I thought that I’d be safe,
Then I realized I’d gone nowhere
Life is just too sweet to lie in this defeat

If a cold wind starts to rise,
I am ready now, I am ready now
With the last sail lifted high,
I am ready now, I am ready now

If a storm blows in on me,
I am ready now, I am ready now
When the waves come from underneath,
I am ready now, I am ready…

If a cold wind starts to rise,
I am ready now, I am ready now
With the last sail lifted high,
I am ready now, I am ready now

If a storm blows in on me,
I am ready now, I am ready now
When the waves come from underneath,
I am ready now, I am ready…

With the last sail lifted high,
I am ready now, I am ready now.

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Moments: sort of a review of the movie Boyhood.

This is me.

This is me in the car with my daughters.

I took this picture within the last week.

But I have no recollection of where we were going or where we had been. If not for this picture, I wouldn’t have known this happened. I don’t remember.

It’s just a snapshot.  A moment.

These moments happen everyday, and most of them – sadly – I do not remember.  It’s why I take so many pictures; because when you’re a parent of three kids you barely have the energy to take it all in.  It just happens.

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The shaking that will not break us.

Tonight started out as the perfect night.

Just before 5 we rode as a family to the airport to pick up Oma (Robin’s mom) and then went to Chipotle and sat outside on a blanket watching airplanes land.  The cool air of a summer storm (without the rain) was a brilliant respite to the recent heat wave which broke 100 degrees (F) with insane humidity.  The girls played and wrestled on the grass and for the first time in their short existence, it seemed like Amalea and Maya REALLY loved each other, their joy shared in their free for all frolicking on this beautiful August day.

When we got home there was a brief melt down by Maya, which is normal. But she soon calmed down and I was on my way for a night off from parenting duties to go play pick-up soccer in the park – something I haven’t done in a long time.

Normally I am nervous at meeting new people, but I felt a sense of calm and resolve knowing how much I needed this night off and to both exercise and do something I loved with new friendly faces.  And it was truly fun. I had a blast.

There was a moment where I looked up at the sunset sky, the wind blowing through the trees, full of their green summer foliage, the ambiance like a symphonic master piece and I marveled out loud: This is so wonderful. Those of you who seek to experience joy and pleasure every single day know nothing of the quality of joy one experiences when you have endured a period of pain or suffering, or simply existing. The last few months have been very stressful, culminating in a vacation that felt less like a vacation and more like a marathon. And then we returned to Portland to an epic heat wave that required us buying another fan to try and beat the heat. It lasted only a few days, but it felt like it nearly did us in: the straw that broke the camels back.

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The Legend of Daughters

You believe in justice, little one. You believe in the true hero that will rid the world of evil and bring light to the darkness.  You believe that there is good in the hearts of people and you can stand up to those who have lost their light.  You believe you are one of the defenders of “good” and “justice”.

You are a hero, my daughter, and you will shed your bright light upon the world.  You stand up to the injustice in the world and fight to bring light into dark places.  You bleed on your sleeve, and cry genuine tears of pain when you see others being treated unfairly.  You have a hope for a better world that goes beyond your years. You have a spark in your eyes and a brilliance in your smile – and it sets the world on fire with joy and love.

Right now,  it is so hard for you to understand what is fair and just, and what is unfair and unjust.  But the passion is there. One day you will learn the wisdom to discern between injustice and unfairness, and discipline.  One day you will understand that it takes a steady hand and a soft but strong voice to shape children into heroes. One day you will learn that a little bit of darkness is necessary sometimes for some to actually notice the light.  One day you will know the hard love of a parent…

For now, keep fighting the good fight. Keep pushing back on what doesn’t feel right.  Keep sticking up for your sisters and for yourself when you feel unfairly treated.  Never back down, never give in, and always – always – love with your heart on your sleeve and tears in your eyes.  Do not let us jaded and hurt ones destroy that sparkle in your eye.  Do not let the darkness win in your heart – let your fire burn strong and proud.  You will change worlds with your passion and love.  You already have.

I love you my sweet, strong, fiery, fierce daughter(s).