So while I was a youth pastor, I felt it it become harder and harder to be prophetic. To speak out honestly against the status quo and against the people I inwardly disagreed with. I took the path of least resistence, and I am sorry for that. i wish I stirred things up more. I guess I just felt it was safer to keep my mouth shut, so I that’s what I did. I wrote all my honesty down in files on my computer where no one would find them.
So it’s time to start being honest again. Although I am wiser these days, more concerned now than I was before with trying to not hurt people’s feelings, it’s time to be brutally honest with myself and the thoughts I have on the world around me. So… here goes, sort of.
Here is a journal entry from October 31st, 2006. Nearly two years ago. Things were so different then, yet, somehow as I read this – it reminds me why I am where I am today. For those who know me best, or think they do – this might be very insightful. Let’s see, this entry comes about 10 months into full-time youth ministry (with junior highers), on the brink of coaching frosh-soph soccer at Agoura High School, and a year before Amalea was born. Enjoy!
——– 10/31/2006 ———
there must be something beyond all of this
i’m a broken man in need of a good fix
i feel this ship sinking, slowly
as if not felt at all, and always wondering if the water
seems to be rising… or if that’s the way it always has been
i’m feeling rather ashamed
to be given so much, a blessed life
and to have done so little
i still have time, i still have some energy
i can still do something
but what?
some would say i have a noble job, and am affecting kids lives
causing change…
i’m not sure sometimes.
i suppose I believe that the kids lives are different because i am apart of them
but that is true of everyone that they know and come into contact with
so how am i different?
am i?
i could just change my attitude, be ok with my current situation
my current efforts
my current successes…successes?
that’s just not me. It’s not an attitude… as if I just am negative about life… something is out of line… something has shifted…something’s not right – and it’s not my attitude.
If it is my attitude… it’s because something is causing it to stink…
11:14pm. late again.
robin is asleep… i want to fall asleep with her, our clocks are three hours off…
oh well. i’ll sneak in again, in the veil of darkness, and awake to find her gone…
bathroom light on, shower going… then asleep again.
awake. she says goodbye, i love you, see you later
7…8…9 hours later.
what is she like during the day? during a weekday? I’ve forgotten… no. i haven’t.
I miss lazy days. i miss the beach.
with her.
and now the next step has ‘kids’ written all over it… lazy days? goodbye.
i want to be creative… but i feel like ‘creative’ to me is doing something new and cool that people think is new and cool… why can’t i just be creative for the sake of being creative?
am i … jim krill… living for the praise of men?
sick. i preach against that all the time.
pathetic… i thought i was above that.
hard… i still think i am… not sure why i reside on that side of the tracks… when i picture myself on the other
this stream of conscienceness is getting tired, weary from the long strings of thoughts, fearful of fully uncovering the face behind the mask…
tomorrow: it holds another day.
another morning of clearing my sinuses… trying to breathe again. just one more breathe.
just one more. one more. please?
did i break my self… or was i given a lemon of a body?
i want a respiratory system transplant… do they do that?
how did i come to this place…talking about sinuses? hmm… oh yes, waking up… tomorrow.
wednesday. hump day. middle of the week. November 1. New month.. .that’s exciting at least.
i hope there are more clouds… more sunsets.. more rain.
what am i thankful for… that’s what november is all about… right?
hmm… i’m thankful for the hope of a future. man that took me three minutes to think of.
i start my soda diet tomorrow… i’m going off carbonated beverages for a month.
but… i’m thankful for dr. pepper… dang it.
agoura soccer starts soon… coaching. what a strange job.
teaching kids to chase after a feeling of victory in an unimportant game which kicks a ball around trying to get it past a guy with gloves into a net… get the most, win, and feel… good?
but we’re teaching them discipline. respect. teamwork.
… yeah? for what… a trophy? Trophies fall apart, get forgotten… i only have one left. Not sure why i keep it.
so we take hours…and hours… to teach them about hard work and discipline, to win a worthless game that is only important to maybe 50 people… and then, they get fat, they get old, they get jobs… the sport is gone – where are the lessons learned… translated into real world experiences… and yet, sporting lessons, sporting analogies fall so short from real life experiences and wisdom. sorry.
people living and dying is way more important than putting a ball in a net.
no matter what pyscho / anger problems coach of the year says.
i can’t spell tonight.
i should go to bed.
overcome. that is what my background says on my computer… with a broken bar code symbol – i like that. overcome greed. overcome consumption. overcome consumerism.
yeah jim. overcome it you bastard.
i bought two things today – i buy for work so it doesn’t feel like i am buying for myself… but sometimes, it’s selfish.
damn. that sounds worse when it actually comes out.
i don’t think i can say that there is anything i have bought, that i can think of, that i haven’t used for ministry though… video stuff, website stuff, books, music stuff… it all get’s used at some point for the kids… for the church.
so… beyond my selfish i suppose god can still use me.
amazing.
people shouldn’t bitch so much about right and wrong, because god seems to find ways to use even the wrong… to create right.
so what profession am i in… bitching?
I feel like it sometimes… my job is to tell people what they are doing wrong, and how they can fix that, to live better, feel better, and have more joy.
hmm… no wonder nobody listens to pastors anymore.
father… i wish this was easier. why is it so hard?
…. where are the answers when you’ve run out of questions? I used to have questions… perhaps i still do.
it’s still october. for twenty eight more minutes.
i wish i could type without backspacing. i think i did about twenty times in that last sentence.
add three more.
ok this is nonsense now…. goodnight.
