The Portland Chronicles: Part 3

Finding Purpose Again

I’m not sure I can fully describe what it is like to go from having purpose to feeling worthless, almost over night.  But that is what happened to me when I moved.  When I was a youth pastor, kids looked to me, I had stuff going on that I was in charge of, and even if I didn’t think about it at the time, I had meaning and purpose.  When I quit and moved here to Oregon and became a full-time dad (with a little web design on the side) I lost that meaning and purpose.

Now don’t get me wrong… being a good father and a loving husband has purpose and meaning in itself – but there is a difference.  Again, not sure if I know the difference or could describe it to you – but I just know that it feels different having your purpose go from being in charge of a youth group (or having a job where people look to you) to the duties you take for granted (like being a father and husband).

Perhaps I was finding my worth in being someone the kids looked up to.  Perhaps I fed off of people’s need for my services, my help, my knowledge and my intellect.  And once I became a silent voice and an invisible face whose sole purpose was to change diapers… something fell apart inside of me.  Something felt like it was missing… and I did not want to think about it, because I was scared at what I would find.

Purpose.  It’s such a strange thing… I mean, it really does drive us doesn’t it?  Think about your life… do you feel like you have a purpose?  I mean, you probably hope you do.  That dumb book (Purpose Driven Life) was such a huge book because EVERYONE on the planet is searching for their purpose.  They want to feel important and needed.  They want to feel that their presence on earth has meaning.  And, I can imagine, SO MANY people do not feel meaningful.

But I have come to discover that purpose is in the eye of the beholder – whatever that means.  I mean, EVERYONE has some purpose if they only were satisfied with the purpose that was given to them.  For instance, a simple job – let’s say a bus driver… their purpose is simple: to transport the kids to and from school, or people around town.  But if the bus driver was the type who couldn’t feel purpose from this… who didn’t feel like this was worthy of a whole life of service to driving a bus, that person would feel meaningless and frustrated.  But if they valued what they did, and saw the purpose in it – they would be fine.

See what I’m saying?  So is it ignorance to accept a simple purpose?  Why do we (who think about such things) feel the need to have a more lofty and important purpose than say; being a father?  Why do I have these desires inside of me at times to be “the best” – doesn’t even matter at what; music, web design, teaching…

Right now I am trying to find purpose… and it’s left me wondering, why?  Why am I searching for the feeling or purpose.  Why do I need to feel validated by what I do… and how much of an impact that has on the world around me?  Why do some things seem more meaningful and valuable than others?

Starting Over

I got a job teaching Technology classes for Portland Wiz Kids, an after-school program which teaches computer, engineering, and creative classes to elementary and jr. high aged kids.  Right now I am teaching computer animation/programming and a lego robotics class.  I actually just aquired three more classes starting in the next few weeks… which is such a blessing since I need to make some more money to get by.  I am feeling more and more useful, and meaningful.  Yet, already, I feel the tug of my desire to be better pulling on my heart to find something more _______ ? I don’t even know the word… more what?  More meaningful… as if what I do now isn’t?  I’m not sure. But I feel it.

I’m searching for web design jobs… working possibly for a web design firm or studio as part of a team.  I think it would be fun and an adventure… talk about not really that meaningful though – yet I want to do it.  Perhaps I need to journey down this road to figure something out about purpose… to refocus myself and I am already beginning to realize how much I take for granted the fact that I have so much purpose in the fact that I am helping take care of my daughter and raise her into a healthy and loving human being.  Every day is a gift… and i’m starting to feel that again, slowly.

I am thankful that God continually puts me in places and introduces me to people who push me to re-examine… everything… I am thankful to be in Oregon; in Portland.  I am thankful for my wife and daughter – the beginning of a family that hopefully will grow in size and in love.  I am thankful that God is restoring me… I long to see the beauty in simple things again.