When there is chaos, too often we lose control and allow others hurt to hurt us and we join in the chaotic discord.

I got home today from work and the girls were just getting ready to go down for their nap.  Usually Robin has them napping when I get home, but today she took them out for lunch and was a little late coming home.  No big deal, but it meant that now I had to get the girls to bed – which would be hard since they were excited to see me.

Maya was standing in her crib screaming (not sad screaming. just short little happy yelps) and Amalea was responding by sitting half naked on her bed throwing her feet into the air and rolling around.  It was pretty much chaos.  I knew I had a tough road ahead.

Not to mention that each time I told Amalea to put her head on her pillow, she replied sharply “No!  I don’t want to!  No!”  That was in between long sets of screaming and crying because she did NOT want to go to sleep.

After I got done giving Maya her bottle, I put Maya in her crib and let her stand there yelping for a few more minutes, and I turned my attention on Amalea.  At this point I had three choices:

1. Freak out. Force her to lie down, get angry and be strong with her, threatening to take away toys and basically getting her to nap out of fear.
2. Ignore her, leave her to cry in her bed and hope she just falls asleep.
3. Give her a hug.

I went with number 3.  She fought me a little at first, but I just held her close and told her I loved her and it was ok.  I explained that she was crying because she was so tired, and if she just lay down and close her eyes she would feel so much better.  Then I put her head down on her pillow and brushed her hair away from her forehead and told her how much I loved her.  She was calm, and began to relax.

Then I got up and could focus on Maya. It didn’t take long until they were both breathing slowly and asleep and I snuck out of the room quietly.

In that moment of chaos, it is so easy to just lose all rational and lose it.  But if I could just see clearly, I would realize that my little girl was just super tired, and just needed a big hug and to be comforted and to know that I see her, I hear her, and I love her.

I think in a much more subtle way the same thing is true with all people.  When their is violence or anger, stress or frustration, it is very hard to see the person for who they are and to see their needs.  What we see is something frustrating, or something that makes us angry.  We want revenge, or justice – but we fail to see what is really going on.  Sometimes all we need is a hug.   What most people need is to know that you see them, you acknowledge their pain, their suffering, their loneliness, their hurt, their fear… they need physical arms to wrap around them and release the anxiety, anger, and weariness.

When there is chaos, too often we lose control and allow others hurt to hurt us and we join in the chaotic discord.

May we be bigger than the madness at hand, may we be able to breath slowly in turmoil and stress, and see each others insides – the let-downs, the late nights, the broken hearts, the abandoned and lonely.  May we reach out our arms and embrace the broken, and may we, the broken, stop shouting and reach out our arms and allow those who love us to hold us close.

*thanks andy for the link!

Check out this article, entitled “Anger is Crowd’s Overarching Emotion at McCain Rally”.

Here is an excerpt:

“I can’t stand to look at him, I don’t trust him. I don’t like the circle of friends he keeps, I don’t like his policies,” Schmitz said of Obama. “I’m pissed off by it. I’m beyond mad. How is he climbing up in the polls?”

…

The crowd showed equal disdain for the media, fueled by comments from Palin, who encouraged the Republican supporters to take the campaign’s message around the media. “I can’t pick a fight with those who buy ink by the barrel,” she said. “It’s dangerous territory whenever I suggest the mainstream media isn’t asking all the questions.”

That message was clearly shared among the crowd. Mike Payne, who traveled from Madison, Wis., for the rally, rejected the idea that McCain’s supporters are angry, preferring to use the word “frustrated.”

“It might have something to do with you guys,” he told a reporter.

It’s not anger at all. It’s frustration. There’s millions of people around the country that think like we do. You guys refuse to acknowledge that, and you insult our intelligence by misreporting the information. You are treating [Obama] like he’s Britney Spears and covering him like he’s Paris Hilton, instead of the next president of the United States, potentially.”

Seriously what is wrong with people?  Let me begin by saying that I know there would be democrats equally as angry as those cited in this article if Obama was losing, and equally making up lame ass excuses as to why their guy/girl was losing… but that’s not the point.  What really bothers me is this anger.  This anger that riles up inside of people when their person/team/ideology/country/etc. is losing or is being attacked… it’s like a poison.  It infects people.  It’s ugly.  And to be completely honest, it freaks me out.

It is all emotional hogwash.  It is people who are sore losers and who are used to being on top and who can’t stand the fact that they might be wrong on this one, that Obama might actually be a decent human being despite being colored blue (democrat) and black (African-American).  I say that because it is this ignorance in people that really bothers me.  As much beef as I have with the Republican party (mainly because of President Bush / V.P. Cheney and other Republican fundamentalists) I feel that I have been pretty level headed in trying to give McCain a chance.

But I get the anger.  It seeps through me sometimes when I am listening to McCain and the sound of his voice makes me want to vomit and the thought of having to listen to him for four maybe eight years almost brings tears to my eyes – and it is then I stop and realize that it effects me too.  This unjustifiable bias for the opposing team – and I hate it.  It is so wrong and it blinds us.

I’ll say it right here, McCain isn’t a bad guy, he has said some decent things that I relatively agree with.  With that said, I feel that those decent things he has said have been contradicted by other things he has said, and there is just an overall feeling I get from the republican campaign – that they will do anything to win this “war” of a political race.  To be fair, regretfully I’ve seen this from the Obama campaign too… and maybe it is just because I am voting for Obama that I say this, although I don’t think so, but I think Obama has really tried to carry out a different campaign, focusing on his strengths and his intelligence and his passion to lead the country rather than solely attacking his opponent (which, truth be told, is what the McCain camp has pretty much resorted to).

There are so many biases and deep deep hurt and scars that people carry into elections, it is said that it can’t be more objective.

All this anger… it makes me fearful, for Obama.  My only prayer is that some overzealous “freedom fighter” from the republican party doesn’t lose it and grab his sniper rifle and attempt to be “heroic” or something.  I would lose all hope for this country…

So I had a few interviews this week with Portland Wiz Kids, an afterschool program here in Portland that teaches kids about computers, programming, and robotics. And it turns out that this job is PERFECT for me right now, and I got the job!

I start on Monday helping teach a 3d animation class to middle school students. Then Wednesday there is another class on Robotics. I’m totally excited…

AND… Portland Wiz Kids just opened a day care down the street from our Condo, so I can drop Amalea off there for FREE day care during the overlap from when I have to leave for my class and when Robin get’s home from work! It’s perfect!

So it’s time to start being honest again.  Although I am wiser these days, more concerned now than I was before with trying to not hurt people’s feelings, it’s time to be brutally honest with myself and the thoughts I have on the world around me.  So… here goes, sort of.

Here is a journal entry from October 31st, 2006.  Nearly two years ago.  Things were so different then, yet, somehow as I read this – it reminds me why I am where I am today.  For those who know me best, or think they do – this might be very insightful. Let’s see, this entry comes about 10 months into full-time youth ministry (with junior highers), on the brink of coaching frosh-soph soccer at Agoura High School, and a year before Amalea was born.  Enjoy!

——– 10/31/2006 ———

there must be something beyond all of this
i’m a broken man in need of a good fix
i feel this ship sinking, slowly
as if not felt at all, and always wondering if the water
seems to be rising… or if that’s the way it always has been
i’m feeling rather ashamed
to be given so much, a blessed life
and to have done so little
i still have time, i still have some energy
i can still do something
but what?
some would say i have a noble job, and am affecting kids lives
causing change…
i’m not sure sometimes.
i suppose I believe that the kids lives are different because i am apart of them
but that is true of everyone that they know and come into contact with
so how am i different?
am i?
i could just change my attitude, be ok with my current situation
my current efforts
my current successes…successes?
that’s just not me.  It’s not an attitude… as if I just am negative about life… something is out of line… something has shifted…something’s not right – and it’s not my attitude.
If it is my attitude… it’s because something is causing it to stink…
11:14pm.  late again.
robin is asleep… i want to fall asleep with her, our clocks are three hours off…
oh well.  i’ll sneak in again, in the veil of darkness, and awake to find her gone…
bathroom light on, shower going… then asleep again.
awake.  she says goodbye, i love you, see you later
7…8…9 hours later.
what is she like during the day?  during a weekday?  I’ve forgotten… no.  i haven’t.
I miss lazy days.  i miss the beach.
with her.
and now the next step has ‘kids’ written all over it… lazy days?  goodbye.
i want to be creative… but i feel like ‘creative’ to me is doing something new and cool that people think is new and cool… why can’t i just be creative for the sake of being creative?
am i … jim krill… living for the praise of men?
sick.  i preach against that all the time.
pathetic… i thought i was above that.
hard… i still think i am… not sure why i reside on that side of the tracks… when i picture myself on the other
this stream of conscienceness is getting tired, weary from the long strings of thoughts, fearful of fully uncovering the face behind the mask…
tomorrow: it holds another day.
another morning of clearing my sinuses… trying to breathe again.  just one more breathe.
just one more.  one more.  please?
did i break my self… or was i given a lemon of a body?
i want a respiratory system transplant… do they do that?
how did i come to this place…talking about sinuses?  hmm… oh yes, waking up… tomorrow.
wednesday.  hump day.  middle of the week.  November 1.  New month.. .that’s exciting at least.
i hope there are more clouds… more sunsets.. more rain.
what am i thankful for… that’s what november is all about… right?
hmm… i’m thankful for the hope of a future.  man that took me three minutes to think of.
i start my soda diet tomorrow… i’m going off carbonated beverages for a month.
but… i’m thankful for dr. pepper… dang it.
agoura soccer starts soon… coaching.  what a strange job.
teaching kids to chase after a feeling of victory in an unimportant game which kicks a ball around trying to get it past a guy with gloves into a net… get the most, win, and feel… good?
but we’re teaching them discipline.  respect.  teamwork.
… yeah?  for what… a trophy?  Trophies fall apart, get forgotten… i only have one left.  Not sure why i keep it.
so we take hours…and hours… to teach them about hard work and discipline, to win a worthless game that is only important to maybe 50 people… and then, they get fat, they get old, they get jobs… the sport is gone – where are the lessons learned… translated into real world experiences… and yet, sporting lessons, sporting analogies fall so short from real life experiences and wisdom.  sorry.
people living and dying is way more important than putting a ball in a net.
no matter what pyscho / anger problems coach of the year says.
i can’t spell tonight.
i should go to bed.
overcome.  that is what my background says on my computer… with a broken bar code symbol – i like that.  overcome greed.  overcome consumption.  overcome consumerism.
yeah jim.  overcome it you bastard.
i bought two things today – i buy for work so it doesn’t feel like i am buying for myself… but sometimes, it’s selfish.
damn.  that sounds worse when it actually comes out.
i don’t think i can say that there is anything i have bought, that i can think of, that i haven’t used for ministry though… video stuff, website stuff, books, music stuff… it all get’s used at some point for the kids… for the church.
so… beyond my selfish i suppose god can still use me.
amazing.
people shouldn’t bitch so much about right and wrong, because god seems to find ways to use even the wrong… to create right.
so what profession am i in… bitching?
I feel like it sometimes… my job is to tell people what they are doing wrong, and how they can fix that, to live better, feel better, and have more joy.
hmm… no wonder nobody listens to pastors anymore.
father… i wish this was easier.  why is it so hard?
…. where are the answers when you’ve run out of questions?  I used to have questions… perhaps i still do.
it’s still october.  for twenty eight more minutes.
i wish i could type without backspacing.  i think i did about twenty times in that last sentence.
add three more.
ok this is nonsense now…. goodnight.