It’s so hard to wrap my mind around time.  It’s really useless to think about it… because the moment you start thinking about what time is, you realize it is constantly flowing past you and you’re wasting it.  You start contemplating time and you realize that the time you spent thinking about it, is gone.  It’s gone.

2008 is gone.

I mean, technically, it’s gone.

Sure certain things will live in on our memories, and so they seem to live on even after they have occured.

For me it was the two days in August when we packed everything we owned, loaded a truck, said our goodbyes, and crossed the state border into our new home: Oregon.  Those two days are still vivid in my mind… and 2008 will live forever as the year we moved.

But 2008 is gone.

And now… 2009.

I am already having glimpses of what will arrive on the wings of time in the next year… and I am worrying about the possibility of unknowingly wasting this year.  I am making decisions about how to best use my time, to savor these special years of being young and starting a family.  I am make resolutions about faith, obedience, faithfulness, love, etc. and hoping for a better year personally.

When you are 10, you dream of being 16.
When you are 17, you dream of being 18, and then 21.

Your dreams then shift to less age specific events, such as graduating college, getting married, getting a job, buying a home, having kids, etc.  You become so busy in getting through each day that it becomes almost overwhelming to have to think of the future, let alone dream about it.  Before you know it… it’s 2009.

I’m determined to slow things down before everyone else does.  I seem to always be two thousand steps ahead of people my age anyway… might as well acknowledge that I am going to (have already) become so busy that I don’t experience things.  I mean, REALLY, experience things… and then they are gone - the years that is - and you have regrets.  I don’t want regrets.  So I’m thinking about all this before it even gets out of hand… ok?

Why am I writing this?  I suppose as a confession / warning to everyone - don’t become complacent and busy.  Don’t become so bitter and hopeless that you miss the small surprises in disguise.

My daughter was sitting on Robin’s lap this evening trying to get bites of Robin’s cereal she was eating, and she accidently dipped her elbow in the bowl of milk.  She had a big wet spot on her elbow.  I pulled her to me and was lightly reprimanding her - half kidding really, as it was pretty funny - and when I gave her this half sad, half smile look - she cocked her head to the side, ever so slightly, and gave me this melting little grin. As if to say, “Oh daddy… I’m sorry”.  I’m a sucker and, of course, I melted.  I’ve never felt that sort of innocent joy.  I love her so much.

Through all the crying, tears, diapers, sleepless nights, biting, melt downs, and downright kicking and screaming - I will remember these precious moments this year.

On Christmas day, Robin, Amalea and I flew from the winter wonderland of the city of Portland to the sunny-but-cold city of San Jose.  Robin’s parents picked us up and drove us to their home in Santa Cruz, and thus began our Californian Adventure…

Over the last week we have driven many miles (from Santa Cruz to Thousand Oaks and back), seen so many close and wonderful friends, slept in a multitude of beds (thanks Harrolds, Richards, Milligans, Markums), and dealt with one gnarly diaper rash (OUCH!).

It has been an incredible visit… but I am ready to go home. (to Portland, that is)

I miss our new friends, our new town, playing soccer, the snow (what’s left of it) and the fresh Northwest air.

Today is our last day in Cali… and I’m at a coffee shop in Santa Cruz while Robin and Ami are playing with some of Robin’s friends.  I’ve had a few hours here to myself, and it has been great to recharge and do nerdy stuff (read web design blogs, download a new feed reader, buy some music off itunes, etc).

It’s been sunny and hot.  I had some pretty bad alergies yesterday.  Those two things combined, I remember why we moved.  ^_^ The warm sun has been nice, but I miss the clouds of Portland.  The ocean is beautiful, but I miss the trees or Oregon.  The crazy California suburban culture has been… well… no comment.

Portland, we’re coming… ^_^

The truth is, now that I don’t work in a church, and don’t have to think of Christmas, I haven’t.  I guess that is pretty sad… I mean, I feel bad about it.

But I guess this year it just hasn’t been something that I feel the need to really think about.  I feel like that guy whom every church preaches to - who get’s caught up in all the hoop-la that he forgets the REAL meaning of Christmas.  Well I would probably agree except I’m not really into the “hoop-la”

I don’t go shopping
In fact I try and avoid the malls and shops all together if I can.  Gifts?  Amazon.com

I’m not into decorations
Robin and I put up minimal decorations this year.  No house to deck with lights.  No big tree to adorn with all the fancies.  Just a few strands of colorful bulbs strung across our living room, some Christmas cards on the wall, and a few nick-nacks here and there.

We don’t “play Santa”
Although I know Robin is into the whole Santa thing for Amalea, and thus I have to be, I really don’t care.  I’m not trying to be apathetic or no fun… but come on, talk about the source of materialistic powder-fluff ying yang potty stupidness in the whole world.  People just want to feel nostalgia - and I guess there is nothing wrong with that… but what a waste of energy.  Eventually you learn he was made up by your parents, and then you spend the rest of your adult life trying to conjure up the Christmas feeling you got when you were a kid - to no avail.

We have very little traditions
Which actually makes me sad.  We learned very early in our marriage that we should have traditions… that we should continue some family traditions and start new ones.  Well… we make waffles and bacon on Christmas morning - that’s about it.  I mean… perhaps it just has not been long enough to call the things we do traditions, and eventually it will feel like it.  For instance, we’ll probably go to church on Christmas eve - because we always have.  To me, not really tradition.  But to our kids one day… it will probably seem that way.

So… not really being tied up with all the “extras” of Christmas - what is my excuse for not thinking about it?

I don’t know.

Every year I feel like Christmas day comes faster and faster, and the “season” gets shorter and shorter.

And Jesus?  Well… I’m trying to find that special “reason for the season” feeling my mom was always in to - but the Christmas story, to me, although it is important - is not so important that you have to make Christmas the one day a year you go to church.  And not so important that you have to continue writing really bad songs about Jesus’ birth, or stories, or plays for that matter.  The birth of a savior - someone who would rescue us from our selfish existences - is important, very.  But I don’t know… the story of the virgin Mary and the angels and the wise men and the shepherds and all that… well - I’m trying.  I’m trying not to be cynical of it all… don’t get me wrong, I love Jesus.  He’s my hero, and for those who understand, my God.  But i’m really sick of the Christmas story.  Perhaps, like the Christmas story itself, God will show up somewhere unexpected for me this Christmas, and remind me how much I need him, and others… and less of myself.

Merry Christmas everyone… ^_^

I am starting an additional blog: a/theism - www.jameskrill.com/church

Come check it out.  It will be all about religion and theology - but not like you might think (or hope).  There is a lot swirling around in my head… so this is my way to let it all out.  I’m not going for biblical, or sound doctrine - it may be heretical, or “incorrect” - but it’s what has been on my mind concerning God.  I hope you’ll join me in the conversation.

What is a/theism?

A/Theism is a term taken from Peter Rollins book, How (Not) To Speak Of God. It refers to a Christian’s need to both embrace our views of God (theism) and rid ourselves of them (atheism) so that we can be in a place where God transforms us, and we are not trying to control God.  Theism infers that we can know something about God - but in our knowing, there is unknowing.  If our knowing God means that we have set boundaries and borders around who He is - then we do not know God.  God is always revealing himself, and yet remains hidden.  It is important for us to recognize that God is God, and we are not.  But it is also important for us to recognize that we have created God, through our theologies and doctrines and so forth, and we need to rid ourselves of such things in order to embrace God as he would reveal himself to us: mysterious, intimate, ever changing yet always the same.

I want to take the pain. I want to make her tears mine. I want to hold her and rock her and make it all go away…

But we’ve come to a place, where tears have become a regular part of the nightly routine of sleeping. Yes, and it sucks.

We tried for so long to rock Amalea to sleep… or to put her in her crib and sing to her or sit with her until she fell asleep. Even in the wee hours of the night, when she would wake up screaming, we would run in and comfort her.

Not anymore.

And it’s the hardest thing we’ve had to do… (well besides the whole eye thing).

But it’s working… for the most part. It takes her some time, and some very loud screaming, and a river of tears - but finally, the crying stops, she falls silent and she sleeps.

I hope… I hope hope hope… this is the right thing to do. Because nothing is harder than listening to someone you love scream bloody murder - and you are capable and able to stop the crying - but it will be detrimental if you do.

GRRRR… parenting. Why God?

I Love PDX

I got a sweet new plug-in for wordpress (my blog) so here is my first attempt at using it.  It makes it super easy to search for and add youtube videos… so here we go.

Oh look… I search for Jim Krill and these come up… among others:

Oh that was a great one… from 2003.

Here is a more recent video:

That one was from a Mexico House Building trip in 2007.

Oh memories…

It’s really not a yell, you see
Although I really am angry
But anger has a dual source
Either a selfish annoyance: an impatience
Or an overflow of frustration: a breaking

This anger is of the latter

I think my anger comes like a dam overflowing
The volume is like flood waters rising
My mouth opens, like levies breaking
Releasing the storm behind it’s walls
Emptying the bellows
Where the fire has been kindling
And the inferno erupts
Like dragon’s breath

Of coures this is all quite exagerated
Although I type “yell” - it’s really quite diminished
Because before I have a chance to scream
My “yelling” is quite finished

Neither you nor I know how to fight
And for this I am quite glad
Because I’ve heard of some, unlucky few
Whose situations are quite bad

Frustration is real and honest
Those who don’t fight, don’t feel
But I’d rather be here
In this house with you
Because the love we have is real

And the greyest of days
Can’t take away
Our story, our future, our hopes and our dreams
I’m in this with you, forever it seems

And I love you.
But I hate this, I know you do too.

So I’m sorry.