I’m currently staring, bleary-eyed into the lights on the Christmas tree, letting my eyes relax until each light becomes a brilliant, pulsing, star-burst.  It’s late… again.  The last three nights I’ve worked late into the night, trying to finish a web design project.  I’m on a steady diet of Pepsi, coffee and chocolate.  It’s bound to catch up to me any day now… I mean, everyday feels like a battle, and at the end of each day, I am so shell-shocked by all the stress imploding all around me, that all I can do is sit and stare at lights.

We do a lot of staring at lights, don’t we.  Computer screens, ipods, cell-phones, tv’s… it’s like staring into the sun.  We’re all nuts, you know.

I used to preach against busyness when I was a Pastor.  I used to believe that it was possible to slow down.  I would get all up-in-arms about parents who worked too hard and never had time for their kids  And now… I barely have time for my kids.  Frick.

And why?  Am I trying to make my first million?  Come on.  Not even close. I’m just trying to put food on the table.   Do I feel like I need to prove something to my wife, my dad, or myself?  Not really… if I could I would not work – I don’t give a shit about what anyone thinks.  I’d rather spend time with my family. I had a really nice setup before… working at a church… why did I leave?  Why did I choose to enter “crazy” world?  Why am I here?

God?  You there?

It’s a good question… why, that is.  Why did we move?  Why am I doing web design right now?  Why choose to live this way?  Yet, it’s a crappy question because I don’t feel like I chose any of this.  The reason we moved is because I was feeling completely overwhelmed with the feeling like I had to get out of that town.  And I did have to get out of that town.  I didn’t have a choice.  If I stayed there, I would have gone insane, literally.  In fact, half the people in that town are crazy (no not you).  I saw it and I had to get out…

Jeez… I’m rambling again. Sorry. Another boring post with me reflecting on my life right now, trying to make heads and tails as to what the hell is going on.  Let me flip the coin again.

I’m so happy right now.  I am.  A deep-seeded contentment that can not be denied, no matter how grey the day, or how depressed I feel on any given basis.  I am happy.  Things are super hard, I’m tired, my body hurts, like I said – the days feel like battles.  But I wouldn’t have it any other way.  And I know, in the sweat, in the tears, in the kicking and screaming – there is something going on.  Something I can not understand or fully comprehend yet.  But I moved to Oregon on hope and a prayer… knowing that in the darkness, somewhere, there was a new path.  I could be way off right now… but I have hope that Robin and I and the girls are right where we are suppose to be.  We are like infants in the arms of God, not understanding the grasp but being transformed by it.  (Peter Rollins said that).  When I hold Maya, I know she doesn’t understand who I am… why I keep kissing her and hugging her – but it’s changing her.  She’s growing, and when it’s hard and she has to scream because nothing else feels right except TO scream, I hold her, and she is changed in the comfort.

In these crazy times… when the only thing that feels like it makes sense is to scream, I am trying to stare into the lights… to listen to the inaudible movements of my loving God, and hope that we are being transformed in all this.

Christmas… almost forgot it’s about Jesus’ birth.  Mary and Joseph must have felt like this… bewildered.  What the frick is going on?  Mary is pregnant (nobody really knows by who), the government is going nuts, it’s cold, there’s no room in the freakin’ inn, they keep having these freaky dreams about crazy angels and stuff… and then, they have the kid in a stable – in all the shit and everything – they HAVE A KID IN A STABLE… that alone would be enough to break anyone.  And then all these crazy wacked out farm / shepherd people show up and say they are having crack dreams too and want to worship this child as their king, their God.  Seriously?  That’s stressful.  Christmas is a STRESSFUL time… and yet, it is the birth of hope.  It is the birth of peace.  It is the birth of new life… a new way…

I love Christmas, when it’s not being bought and sold.  I love the story…not about Saint Nick or Rudolph, or the elves, or snowmen and gift giving… the story of a man and his soon to be wife, running around, bleary-eyed, staring into lights, battling everyday just to survive, not even knowing what is in store for them.  Even if it is just a story, it’s a damn good story.

Our star is shining on top of the Christmas tree… the star Amalea picked out at Fred Meyers for 8.99.  it’s beautiful.  This life is beautiful… how beautiful is your life?  Seriously.  Stop and stare into the lights… remember something.

Merry Christmas.