My grandma on my dad’s side is turning 90 in February, so I am putting together a special slideshow for her. I just received a bunch of photos from my uncle, and I spent half an hour pouring over them in awe.

I had no idea.

There is so much I do not know about my Grandma, my dad and my entire extended family. Our family was never good at telling stories… or maybe I was never good at listening?

Or maybe we become interested in our families history just at the moment when it might be too late. Not sure.

Maya is such a beautiful little baby.  I love her so much.

As far as babies go, she is so calm and amiable.  She makes little grunting noises as she eats, and then let’s out these huge, satisfying burps when she’s done.  She has these piercing eyes which look deep into my soul… and I know she doesn’t fully understand who I am, but as I stare into those little blue eyes, I see SO much.

I see my mom.  Whose hands are so careing and who has given so much of herself for me and my siblings over the years.  My mom, as I see it, lives in the shadows – never demanding attention or recognition, but fully deserving it.  She is 100% love… and I love her for showing me what that means (and costs).  As I hold Maya, I see my mom in her, and it makes me smile.

A few strands of Maya’s soft fluffy hair move back and forth as we rock, and it shimmers the slightest tint of red – and I think of Robin.  Who has worked so hard to make this family what it is today – from her days teaching and supporting us financially, to her days mothering, now, which pushes her to the brink of insanity.  I am so thankful to have found in Robin the person who makes me strong, who pushes me firmly along, and who touches me so gently that it restores me.  She is the beauty of this family, and the link that holds us all together.  She is fair, and trusting, loving and giving.  As I look at Maya’s beautiful face, I see Robin in her, and it makes me smile.

Maya falls asleep and we rock for a while.  Eventually, Robin and Amalea come home and I hear Amalea sprinting down the hallway.  “Daddy!  Daddy!”  Every time Maya smiles I see Amalea in her, so full of joy just like her sister… so eager to explore the world around her, so excited to learn… just like their daddy.  I see Amalea in Maya, and it makes me smile.

The truth is… I see so much of my family and Robin’s family, myself and Robin, in Maya AND Amalea… and it both warms me and freaks me out.  The good, the bad, and the ugly… but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

As I sat rocking with Maya, I was reminded of the fragility of life, and how the ones I love will not be with me forever.  I was charmed by my baby girl, and the fact that she represents so many people’s journey in this life…so much history. My young parents deciding to have a fourth child (me).  Robin’s parents deciding to let their little girl go to Azusa Pacific University.  My Grandparents raising my mom and dad the way they did.  My lung collapsing, causing me to finally decide to go to a real college, and meet the girl of my dreams.  It’s all played out in those little eyes, with each breath, she breaths a story millions of words long, full of billions of breaths.

I love little Maya Louise so much.

Each year
Small discovers reveal more of your enigmatic life
Bits and pieces of your puzzle
Combined with my budding maturity
Help me understand the gears that make you tick

And the more I know
The more I understand
And the more I understand
The more I can forgive

Grace follows understanding
Like calm follows a storm

You are the source of my life
No you, no me
And as screwed up and complicated as life can be
As the years have faded
I am thankful for them
I am thankful, finally, for you

It is a dusty and sometimes unclear road
That we both have traveled
You and your father, and me and mine
So misunderstood, so hurt, so reluctant to forgive
I hope we have finally found peace
Here beneath the shade of grace
I offer you my respect, and I humbly forgive

May we have many more years
Discovering the artifacts of our personalities
The mysteries of our relationship
And the beauty of this life we have been given
You from your father… and I from you.