I have no idea where to begin with this post. It’s hard, when you stop writing, to come back months later and attempt to unload all of your thoughts, feelings, and ideas. I can never summarize all that has transpired in the time between posts, so it usually ends up being about a specific, relevant thought, feeling, or idea. But you have to start somewhere. You have to reach down, through the muck, and pull the plug. And the draining begins.
I am so full of stress. It’s crazy how invisible and hard to diagnose stress is. But it’s heavy, super heavy. If a scale could measure stress as well as body mass, I’m sure my scale would be off the charts right now. Perhaps my greatest cause of unrelieved stress is that I never talk about it. I never pull the plug, and let it drain. I guess I never think I have to – like I said, this is some invisible stuff. But right now I feel awful, and it’s either a health issue – or its stress.
So what is so stressful…? Well, maybe I should make a list:
- We just moved to a new town
- … right next door to my in-laws
- … a new town in which I have no friends
- … and I know nothing about.
- I’m working from home (if you don’t work from home, you don’t know how stressful this can be)
- I’m running my own business
- I’m parenting when I am not working
- I’m working on the house when I am not doing one of the two things I just mentioned
- I have no local friends, no one to call to go see a movie, go get a drink, or to bitch to about how stressed I am
- Robin is pregnant. And I’m trying to be helpful.
- Add all of this up, and add on top of it the guilt of feeling stressed, the inability to say anything because I feel like I am complaining – even now I want to apologize for making this list and say I’m not trying to complain. Sheesh.
There you go.
I feel sick. Literally. But I don’t think it’s a disease. I think it’s stress.
So what do I need? God, that’s such a hard question. I have no idea. Somebody help me out here… what do I need?
Our first session of marriage counseling, me and Robin’s counselor asked me: “Jim, what do you need?”
And do you know what I told him?
“I have no idea”.
Why is it so hard for me to admit to what I need? No. Not just admit, I can’t even think of what I need.
Ok, I think I know:
I need someone who cares about me. Is it bad to say, I need someone, who is not my family, and not my wife, to care about me. You know… usually we call them: friends. But not friendS – just
—————————————— UPDATE ———————————————-
Weird… I wasn’t done with this post and for some reason WordPress published it. Strange. Maybe I scheduled it without even knowing. Hopefully my site was not hacked.
Tracie, thanks for the response, even though I guess this post wasn’t ready yet. In a way I’m not even sure I was going to publish it…but I guess I’m glad it got published. I don’t even remember titling this “Will launch later” – strange. Anyway, more complete thoughts to come in the future.